The Day of Dealing with Death

It's not something i do often but yesterday was a day of going there... of going with grief and sitting in it.
It was about 3 weeks before Pollyanna was born that i recieved the phone call..' your mother's dying, they don't know when but it won't be long'
That day was a day that the world changed forever...
3 weeks to grieve the loss of the woman who had once carried me inside of her, 3 weeks to grieve the loss of those hands that stroked my head and squeezed my fingers, 3 weeks to grieve the loss of one of the most impactive and deep relationship most of us ever have...that with our mothe, before birthing my own daughter and beggining again on a journey that for me had just ended.
Yesterday whilst performing my thrice weekly dugong impersonations in the gym swim pool my grief rose up and as I pushed through the water the loss swept over me.
Its been 3 years since i said goodbye to my mother and in these last few weeks as we prepare to welcome a new life, her absence is ever more profound..
She will never hold my son, never weep with me over his going to big school or laugh with me as he sticks his undies on his head. I will not be able to climb into bed with her as i did with my first born and ask her to hold me and tell me that it will pass, i will sleep again and one day I might actually love this screaming writhing being. Never will i hold her hand and feel those big rings and long nails squeeze into my skin..such was her grip assuring me of my role as a mother.

I moved to the shower cubicle, turned the jets on and wept. My 33 week pregnant body, heaving with loss and for once i didn't make myself stop, i just stood and cried and felt the pain of having had to say Good bye too soon. Many minutes passed, the tears abated and it felt good to have said to Mum ..I miss you, to have said to my son I'm sorry you don't get Noeni Mum in your life and I'm sorry for the fact that mummy finds it so so hard sometimes to cope with that. To have swum through the grief and let it leave in its own time.

So to grief I say thank you for rising up, I will meet you, i will sit with you, i will feel the pain and i shall be thankful that the sun does shine again...that those hands that held mine had a strength that has passed through, that woman who gave me life, taught me much. I know she smiles reassuringly as I hold my head high, comb my hair, pop on some lippy and go out to love and embrace the daughters that are part of her too.
May i teach them to love ferociously, grasp tightly and nuture their babes in the way she did me.